"Un"

Lately, I have been feeling very "un." No, I don't mean the French translation of "one" as if to attempt to create a new trendy word for "one" or "zen."

I mean "un" - - uninspired, unrested, uncreative, unnerved, un, un, un.

I considered not writing about it... mostly because I am feeling the deep pains of writer's block and can't seem to squeeze out my thoughts without considerable effort... but I realized that, for me, being forthright about where I am and how I'm feeling might actually help me snap out of it. And, really, if I pretend to be more than "un" right now, what point would that serve?

I could be all flowery and try to fake my way through it... sort of stage my life for the blog... house not in shambles (yeah, right), kids adorably dressed and smiling (we know 'dressed' isn't happening for Gracie, at least not inside!) in perfectly edited photos as we take on the new year with all the gusto that I want to be feeling. My kids are too intuitive for that nonsense and wouldn't put up with it, first of all. Secondly, those of you who actually read this blog (there are some, right?!) would see right through it. And, really, if the point of our blog is to remember where we (the Flock as a whole, not just the kids) were at a particular moment, then this "un-ness" of mine needs to be part of it.

It's real. It's life. It's where I am.
Whatever the cause (or causes), it's more than the typical January duldrums that are so easily felt after the letdown of the holidays, when the magic of the season has faded, the pretty lights are all being put away and what's left is a serious sugar crash (at least for me!) and a return to the regular, everyday grind.
Furthermore, it's not about a pity party. Truly.

Perhaps it's the lingering effects of the last year. Granted, things could have been a lot worse, I fully recognize that. But we spent so much time on the verge of that possibility, that I think the wounds are still fresh and haven't yet started to scar. And, if I am being honest, we've spent the better part of almost eight years teetering on the ledge with regard to Gracie's health. She's amazing, resilient and inspiring... I am only tired. (And, because she is amazing, resilient and inspiring, I feel a bit guilty for saying that I am tired.)

As I mentioned in my New Year's post, there was a whole lot of decision making in our world, too, not just surrounding Gracie, but all kinds of life "stuff" that has left me reeling. Some of it is resolved; there's still big stuff to come. I know I am feeling uneasy in anticipation for all the changes on the horizon... but until we've got things truly set and decided, it's not really blog-worthy. The point is, the state of "flux" is really unsettling for me.

I don't think that any mom can honestly say they don't get into a funk every once in a while. I'm trying not to project the way I'm feeling onto the kids, but fear I'm failing miserably. My patience is thin; my temper is short. I can hear myself as I try to reason with Preston about something that isn't really that important and realize that my tone not nearly gentle enough, my voice a little louder than it should be and then I immediately feel guilty, knowing that the way I'm interacting with him is going to translate into his interaction with someone else. I find myself having moments daily that I wish I could do over... there is a lot of guilt in that. A moment here and there is reasonable, I suppose, but I am feeling like a lazy parent lately. The television is on too much, especially on the rainy days, and I feel like I just don't have the energy to be consistent, fair, reasonable... or fun.

My "to-do" list is much too long (just like every mom), yet my focus is blurred. My ability to multi-task has turned into countless started things and no real desire to finish any of them. Some of them must be finished, urgently, yet I'm still completely unmotivated.

The recent developments at Gracie's school have left me unnerved. Her health aide since April 2009 (who actually doubles as an instructional aide, though, unfortunately, that's not distinguished or specified in the IEP) resigned the week before winter break. She didn't tell me... and still hasn't really talked to me about it, which makes me unhappy and is a whole different story. Anyway, I found out by accident... no one who should have told me actually told me. And, now, her last day is Wednesday and there is a huge list of problems surrounding this issue - - none of which I have the energy to face, though I don't have a choice.

I could go on. But, given that my writer's block has caused this to turn into a giant, rambling mess that actually does sound like a pity-party, I will stop. I hope that getting it off my chest, out through my fingers and onto the screen will somehow give me the oomph I need to get out of my "un-ness."

In the meantime, I will try to focus on the positive things... it's just a bit unclear to me at the moment where that list is. {wink}