Coming up for air... a month of baby bliss

I did not mean to go an entire month without posting.  Really.  The lack of updates and pictures over the last month is really quite embarrassing.  That being said, you can be sure that my absence on blogger and facebook was for good reason.  We've been busy... obviously.. and, I've been living in the land of baby bliss.  It's a nice place... but it's definitely high time I come up for air and share this little man with everyone!

It is incredibly hard to believe that a month has passed since Gavin's birth.  I wrote my last letter to him in utero on February 15th and asked him to cooperate regarding the timing of his birth. As it turns out, he is a very compliant little man and came within the window of time I specified!

I picked up my mom from the airport at noon on February 16th, by 3pm I was on the phone with my doctor and by 4pm she had examined me and determined that I was leaking amniotic fluid. Because I had a very small snack at 2:30pm, we had to wait until late that night for a c-section. Thank goodness Nana made it to town just in the nick of time and was able to care for Preston and Gracie while John and I went to the hospital.  I was so thankful to have my doctor do my c-section (it was a doozie because of the massive amounts of adhesions to work through) and even more thankful to have my husband in the OR with me for the birth of our third baby.   The moment that we heard our baby scream in protest of the lights, cold OR and general rude awakening that is a c-section birth, was so joyous and such a relief.  That good cry, just like Preston's did nearly five years ago, caused each of us to shed a few tears, too.  (There is nothing more beautiful than the sound of a newborn crying... especially when you've experienced the terrifying silence of a birth when your baby can't breathe well enough to cry.)

We came home Sunday, February 19th and fairly easily adjusted to life as a family of five (six while Nana was here!).    Granted, that "easy" adjustment was due, in large part, to the extra helpful and loving hands around... John was off work and my mom was here.  Talk to me after I've spent a week on my own with all three and I'll let you know what the transition is really like!  ;-)

Gracie and Preston have adjusted to Gavin's presence beautifully and Gavin adjusted well to coming home. In fact, with the exception of his second night home which was a marathon of screaming due to being so hungry and not getting what he needed from me fast enough, he has been so easy going and relaxed (knock on wood!). He is very used to all the chaotic noises... suction machine, Preston's loud and crazy antics (Gracie's not innocent either... her new and challenging behaviors that emerged while I was pregnant, including pulling out her trach a lot, prove that she can be just as naughty as Preston), me raising my voice at Preston regarding aforementioned crazy antics more times than I should... all the things that he’d been hearing for all the months I carried him.   Gracie is smitten, but hasn't quite mastered the art of being gentle again. With Preston, she was so soft with her touch. Now she's used to playing fairly rough with him and doesn't quite get the difference between the two.  In between testing every boundary he has and forgetting that his job is to listen to his parents, Preston has been so helpful (just as he is with his sister) and can't wait until he can do more with Gavin on his own.   He gets diapers, sings to him, pats his bottom when he fusses, gives him a binkie, kisses him endlessly... you name it.  We are so proud of the way he has welcomed his baby brother without the slightest bit of jealousy.  Even Toby has adjusted fairly well, though it is clear that he is going to be very protective of Gavin as he responds to every little sound he makes by walking right up to him and sniffing him. It is very sweet.

Over the last couple of weeks, I have spent some time poring over pictures that we've taken since February 16th and I find myself emotional (rational, not scary emotional... though if I am being honest, there were some irrational tears the second week... hormones are a crazy thing!) at the realization that we were quickly approaching the one month mark. Time moves so quickly and Gavin has already changed so much since his birth.

I've spent a lot of time trying to memorize things about him... his little sounds (which have earned him the nickname "Squeak"), the way he smells - - that newborn smell - - even though we put nothing on him that actually has a scent.  (What is that - - that newborn smell? And why can't we bottle it and all the emotions, euphoria and elation that it creates?) I try to memorize the way he feels when I hold him - how he curls up into a tiny ball on my chest (thus, earning another nickname of "Squish"). And in memorizing the way he has curled up - - like in utero - - I am keenly aware of how much he has "flattened out" already and continues to grow at a rate of approximately 1/4" a week.   Did you know that newborns grow that fast initially? It's amazing.
 
I have spent a tremendous amount of time holding him… not wanting to put him down… especially in the first two weeks. I tried so hard to cherish every second and soak him up as much as I could because I knew that once my mom left (on March 12th), I would not be able to hold my baby boy as long as I wanted to. I have been burning onto my brain the way his breath feels on my cheek, observing the tiniest changes in his expression and what I think they mean. I stare at him and try to memorize every little detail… the things that the camera just can’t capture. Don’t get me wrong, I still do the same thing with Gracie and Preston - - literally stare at them and mentally hit “pause” - - but Gavin’s rate of change is considerably faster and knowing he is our last baby Swann makes me try to soak him up even more.

I’m appreciating the littlest things in ways I couldn't possibly with Gracie, of course, due to the circumstances surrounding her birth and in a way that I couldn't with Preston because the "typical" newborn world was so foreign to us and I was so nervous about how we'd manage taking care of Gracie and a newborn. It was so much easier than I had built it up in my head, but I didn't relax through it enough to enjoy it in the same way that I am this time. This time, with some experience under my belt, I was more relaxed and my perspective was a little different.  That generally relaxed state was also thanks to the fact that John was off work from the 9th of February thru March 1st and my mom was here until the 12th.   Truth be told, though, I am just as hard on myself this time - - expecting that I can do it all and work miracles. My mother can attest to that and tried multiple times while she was here to give me a reality check.   My kids gave me my own dose of reality last night when, around 6:45pm, as we awaited John's arrival home from work, I had dinner half-done in the disaster area formerly known as the kitchen, Preston was in the tub waiting for his hair to be washed, Gavin was lying across my lap nursing as I sat "criss-cross-apple-sauce" (or Indian Style as we said in my "non-PC" gradeschool days) while Gracie, in day two of an abdominal migraine, laid just behind Gavin crying while I suctioned her trach and mouth.  Needless to say, I was a dishevelled and exhausted mess by the time John got home!   Thankfully, my husband does not expect that I have dinner ready upon his arrival, nor does he ever ask why things are not done.  Smart man! Very smart! LOL!!!

All kidding aside... even with the challenges we've had and the many that I know are to come, I couldn't be happier with the chaos that is our life.  I am blessed beyond words by my beautiful, loving flock.