20 weeks... and trying to keep my nerves in check

I am officially 20 weeks pregnant. 

And, yes, I am sure there is only one baby in there!  :-)

With the exception of a scary episode of dehydration following a nasty allergy/asthma/hive attack (ironically on the evening we went "public" with our baby news), things have been going swimmingly.   I was in constant contact with my doctor (who was so great and even about to drive over to our house when I couldn't reach John at work) the night it happened and continued to be through the weekend until I saw her again.  She took a good look at me and the baby and determined that things still look great.  We even saw our little Tiebreaker wave at us on the screen and my doctor printed it a picture and wrote, "Hi, I'm good!"

Up until the last five days, I had been pretty easy going... not too hormonal (aka emotional or irrational) and not in too much discomfort.  In fact, I'm too busy day-to-day to really remember that I'm pregnant (other than running to the bathroom a lot, needing to eat more often and not being able to bend over quite as easily), that is, until the end of the day when I am absolutely zonked from going non-stop for 18 hours straight!  Easy going... until Monday. 

I was a tightly wound on Monday.  (My heartburn also kicked in with a vengeance... even water is bothering me... but that's really not the point here.)  I was like a ticking time-bomb... looking at me wrong could have been the end of you!  Going through the busy day helped keep me in check a bit, but by late afternoon, I couldn't even have the radio on in the car on the way home from Gracie's therapy.  Too many chances to hear a song that would set off the waterworks.   Then, as if the universe knew I needed an intervention of sorts, we came home to find a very special piece of mail with a gift and note from a dear friend who, as usual, has the perfect timing, the perfect heart, and the perfect piece of wisdom to give me some perspective.  It took until Tuesday night for the perspective to fully sink in... it wasn't so much my raging hormones causing the emotional and (perhaps, irrational!) behavior, as it was my nerves.

John and I are both incredibly nervous for "the big ultrasound" next week... and the fetal echo cardiogram two weeks later.  And it's justified.  It's not just about Gracie's history... because we know that CHARGE Syndrome recurrences are rare - - about 1-2%.  It's about the 2-3% chance that anything can go wrong.  It's the knowledge that Congenital Heart Defects are so much more prevalent than the general public realizes.  It's about knowing way more than parents should have to about genetics, fetal development and statistics. 

It's also because Preston's "big ultrasound" was a disaster.  Over an hour on the table with the tech going back and forth over the baby's anatomy and trying to pretend she wasn't focused on the heart.  John finally told her, "Look, we can clearly see where you're focused, will you please tell us what's going on."  She said she was being thorough and would show everything to the perinatologist, who would then come in, too.  A few minutes later, the doctor came in and started scanning, again focusing on the baby's heart.  It was then that our world temporarily shifted.  She said she was 93% certain (yes... she used that specific of a number... so entirely unprofessional) the baby had a major heart defect.  (Our fetal echo wasn't scheduled for two more weeks.)  With a colorless face, John took my hand and assured me he wasn't leaving me, but that he needed to leave the room for a moment and get some air.  The doctor looked at me, wondering if he really was coming back.  I reminded her that, just the day before, we had brought our daughter home from the hospital following her third open heart surgery.   Of course my husband needed a moment.  He came back... with a bit more color in his cheeks... wearing a grim-trying-to-pretend-to-be-calm expression.  

Because of her certainty, we chose to do an amnio right on the spot... it had not been our intention to take that risk unless justified.  Because we wanted to focus on something other than what might be wrong, we also chose to immediately find out the baby's gender.  (I had wanted to wait this time.)  We didn't need the amnio for that... our little man was proudly spreading his legs and showing off his parts.   As I laid on the table while watching them do the amnio, John and I were reeling.  We had only brought Gracie home from her third open heart surgery yesterday.  How could this be happening?

Thankfully, our cardiology group didn't want us to wait the two weeks until our appointment.  But, being that it was only a few days before Christmas, there wasn't anything on the schedule and some of the docs were on vacation.  The next day, our wonderful cardiologist called us and asked if we could meet him in the office at 8am before he left for the airport... otherwise, we'd have to wait until after the New Year.  It was, obviously, a no-brainer.  His kindness and compassion during a terrifying time will never be forgotten.  He was still in town, but his vacation had already started the day before.  He didn't have to see us... but he did. 

Needless to say, neither of us had slept much since the ultrasound.  Waiting for 8am felt like an eternity and it was the longest appointment ever.  He was so thorough and agonizingly quiet.  Finally, he explained what he saw... he explained what he think the tech and perinatologist saw... and he explained that they were, in fact, wrong.  There were a couple of things he wanted to monitor over the next couple of months, but he also very pointedly said that our baby boy's heart looked normal for the current stage of development.  (John wanted to rip apart the perinatologist for her lack of professionalism... as did my OB, as did our cardiologist, as did everyone... even my new OB.  The perinatologist never should have put a number on her suspicion.  She never should have gone that far... rather, she should have told us her concerns and contacted our cardiologist.  Then we could have decided how to proceed.)   Needless to say, the news was a huge relief.  But, I never fully exhaled for the rest of my pregnancy.  Until Preston was in my arms and his first echo was complete, I never truly felt sure that he was okay. 

So... our nerves are justified.   All of that stewing in the back of my mind is how I got so tightly wound.  But, we (okay, more me than John... but, still, we)  need to pull it together and focus on all of the positive things instead of the what-ifs.   If there is one thing that we know, it's how many positives there are - - even in the smallest of things - - regardless of the "what-ifs" and what actually "is."  Our daughter, and all she teaches us, is a constant reminder of that.

Still, I will be glad when October 11th and October 28th are behind us.

Knock on wood

Quick... before I "say" it... knock on wood... or do whatever superstitious thing you do...

Done?

Okay... so...

School started five weeks ago today.  There was a rough nine day stretch (the worst of which fell over a weekend) that required significant adjustments to Gracie's feedings and an overall reduction in what was expected of her due to her energy level and how she felt moment to moment.  Thankfully, she was able to rally through her school days - - because, as you know if you've followed along here, the less she eats and the less she sleeps, the happier she is and the better she feels.  Anyway, even with those rough nine days, she has not missed any school.  for. five. weeks.  That's a record folks... for her entire school career.  Five weeks straight.  No absences.

Knock again.  Thanks.

Update:  Today (Thursday), Gracie received an award from the school Principal for... Perfect Attendance in the month of September!  Her first award... and so special because it was an amazing feat!  :-)

'S' is for... Survival Test

Just two months after starting swim lessons (for the first time... and very little pool time prior to that), Preston took his advanced level survival test at his swim school.   He was "bumped" or "tossed" (however you word it, it was a surprise to him) into the pool in his street clothes, including shoes, and had to roll to his back and find the side of the pool.

Receiving his ribbon after getting out of his wet street clothes

The week before, while swimming at a our neighbors' house, he had two separate, unexpected slips into the deep end of the pool (I was right there, of course) and he reacted as he's been trained... flipped over onto his back and floated while kicking and finding the wall.  (Terrifying for me to watch, but so grateful he knew what to do and actually did it.)    So, the next day when he had his first attempt at the survival test, I expected he'd pass with flying colors.  He almost did, but with the shock of being bumped into the water with his clothes & shoes on, he overcompensated when floating on his back and arched so much that he put his head back under water.  This is not uncommon, especially for a new swimmer who has fear (because, generally, four year-olds are much more aware of fear than toddlers).  Anyway, he had a lesson in between (so he'd be surprised again) and on August 25th, he passed with flying colors and everyone in the pool cheered for him. 

Taken during a lesson a couple of weeks ago, wearing something on his legs to help him remember to kick without bending his knees so much.  I love the look of determination on his face.  It's hard to believe that just two months ago, he refused to put his whole face in the water!

***(If you are having trouble playing the videos, right click on the video pic and choose, "stop download." 
For some reason, that will help you access the option to click play.)***

Besides the swimming, I love this clip because he just received instruction from his instructor and then happened to turn around and unexpectedly see a friend from school.

He is now totally unafraid of the water, retrieves rings off the bottom at a depth of around five feet, is working on learning backstroke and swims the entire length of the pool repeating "eyes in, four big arms, roll to your back for a breath."  Considering his limited pool exposure until June of this year (mama guilt for that... but not really in my control), he has progressed amazingly well... and is already asking for a pool when we buy our next house!

'S' is for... She's on the move!

When she feels well, there is just no stopping our girl. She pulls herself into all kinds of funny positions, amazes us at therapy with what she can do (even though she is literally breathless at the end), cruises furniture (freaks me out), wants to try things her brother does, and just prefers, in general, to be busy... and, of course, undressed! 

(These photos are sort of blurry because they're all hastily clicked with a phone rather than a real camera!)

Note the upper right photo... "Gracie yoga."

Little Miss will get herself up to a stand at the couch and cruise it, trying to reach Preston.
He jumps over to the chair and she follows, slowly, steadily reaching between the couch and chair to take an independent, very shaky, yet successful step. 

Although it's great that she's up and cruising, I'd prefer her to face the furniture!

When she heads to that side of the couch, she turns around and attempts to reach for things that are too far away... frequently giving this mama a near heart attack!  I'd left her sitting up in the middle of the floor to go into the kitchen and throw something away and take a sip of water.  We can't really leave her unattended when she's ready to be up and moving!

Taken the other night while John was at work. 

I was doing dishes and Gracie scooted in at warp speed (completely naked, which is another story!), signing, "Daddy, where?"  With wet hands, I grabbed my phone and clicked a pic to prove to daddy that she signs for him when he is not home.  He has worked the graveyard shift for the last quarter and it has completely thrown off the evening routine for both kids (and mama!).  Typically, while I do dishes, prep meds & formula for the night and morning, Daddy is playing & cuddling with the them.  ALL of us will be very glad when he goes back to days on October 1st. 

(This photo cropped considerably to protect the guilty party who stripped off her diaper!)

Thoroughly enjoying a quick spin on her brother's bike (and wearing his new helmet)!

Love the look of satisfaction on her face and Preston's gentle, helpful hand on her back.

'S' is for... Sous Chef

Preston is no stranger to the kitchen.  He has always loved helping me bake and started with the simplest of tasks before he turned two.  As he's gotten older, he takes on more responsibilities in the kitchen... like preparing sandwiches, measuring ingredients, pouring, mixing and stirring, putting things away, clearing the table, helping with basic (non-breakable!) dishes and so much more. 

It takes my breath away sometimes when I watch him and realize just how big and independent he's gotten.  The other night, he told me he was thirsty and asked to go get some water.  He took his stool over to the cupboard where his cups are, retrieved a cup, got some ice from the fridge, moved his stool to the sink, turned on the filtered water from the faucet, filled his cup and then moved the stool back out of the way.  Sigh.  So unbelievably big.  A couple of days ago, he had a yogurt for a snack and, as I came down the hall with Gracie, I saw him get up from the table, throw his yogurt cup away, retrieve the stool, rinse his spoon and put it in the dishwasher.  HOW did this happen?  Wasn't he just a toddler last week?!

My boys in action last month.
('S' is also for Sunglasses... check out the sunglasses tan lines on my hard-working man's face!)

Over the last several weeks, because of his interest in all things kitchen related and his growing independence, John has taken on the task of teaching Preston more about cooking and his 4 year-old role in meal preparation.  (John is the main chef in our house.  I like to cook, but only if the kids aren't home!  Otherwise, it's just too stressful to manage them and prepare a "real" meal.  Baking, on the other hand... and eating someone else's cooking... not stressful at all!  I also actually enjoy the clean-up, so it works well for all of us.)  Anyway, John is reinforcing all of the kitchen safety rules and continually quizzing Preston while they prepare meals together.  Preston is allowed to stir certain (non-splattery) things on the stove (with CLOSE supervision, of course), he measures, pours, helps tenderize meat (which he thoroughly enjoys!), and loves spending that time with his daddy.   We've also found that he very willingly eats what he helps prepare - - little man has gotten pickier as he's gotten older... bummer.  The good thing is, he is still willing to try bites of new things without protesting.  If he likes it (he usually does) then he will eat some... if not, then he is only obligated to finish the bite.  I sure hope he remains that agreeable!  And, I hope, like his Daddy, he continues to enjoy cooking for his family.  :-)

'S' is for... Sibling Sweetness

As the kids get older, it's harder to sneak candid pics of their sweet moments together.  I either get too much "cheese" from Preston, they stop what they're doing once I have retrieved the camera or one (or both) of them simply refuse to cooperate. 

Every once in a while, though, I can still sneak in and catch a glimpse of them just being themselves.  Whether it's cuddling up together (which inevitably includes Preston allowing Gracie to fiddle with his hands, feet or hair to her heart's content), or when Preston decides to squeeze into a chair with Gracie and just be next to her, or a special, knowing look between them, I treasure these moments now more than ever. 
Their "secret language" of years ago is now just a memory, replaced by Preston getting right into Gracie's face and signing the basics of whatever he is trying to communicate (accompanied by the sweetest, gentlest, high-pitched voice that he saves for her).   But, if pictures can say a thousand words, then I think it's safe to say that the looks of love and affection between them still speaks volumes in any language.

They were standing on opposite sides of the baby gate in the kitchen, just staring at each other.
I grabbed my phone, muted it so Preston wouldn't hear the shutter-clicking noise it makes and snapped these two photos before either of them knew it.  LOVE.

Preston was talking and signing to Gracie one afternoon after school... and whatever it was he said, or however he looked at her... made her smile so sweetly at him.  So my picture taking would go undetected, I pretended to be texting as I watched them.  Again... LOVE.

'S' is for... Sixteen Weeks - - Flock of... FIVE!!!

Dear Little "Tiebreaker,"

We found out about you on Father's Day, which, this year, also happened to be our 12th Anniversary.  I sort of knew you were already there, though couldn't really believe it.  I took a test on the Friday before and it was negative.  But, late that night, something told me to look at it again.  And, even though tests aren't supposed to be valid hours later, I could swear there was a faint hint of color where it had been blank earlier in the day.  Upon inspection in the morning, it looked blank again... and I was disappointed that my eyes were playing tricks on me.  I still thought it was wrong...  I felt pregnant.  So, I made a lame excuse to Daddy on Saturday evening when he got home from work and ran out to the store to buy milk and another test. 

I couldn't sleep after Daddy left for work Sunday morning.  Finally, just after 6am, I took the test and presto... within seconds a faint line appeared in the positive window.  And, just like that, I had the best Anniversary and Father's Day present for your Daddy!  YOU!!!

This is what I gave him after he opened all of his cards...

This is what he looked like when he realized what it was...

And this is what he said to me the next morning as we sat in the backyard with your sister and brother:
"I feel a bit more alive today."  His excitement about you made him feel more alive... sweetest thing he could have said. 

You were a long time in the making.  Granted, not compared to so many we know who struggled to have their babies, but knowing we wanted to expand our family for the last couple of years and not having it happen... and realizing it wasn't entirely in our control... was a bit of a rude awakening.  With your sister, it was so easy... almost too easy!  We decided, as I was looking for a job (um... okay... we can talk about timing and choices later), that I'd go off the pill and we'd be ready in 3-6 months to start trying.  Three weeks later I was pregnant.  With your brother, I had started a new job and your sister had gone into the early stages of heart failure, so we decided to not "see what happens" and I refilled my birth control prescription.  Before I even started them, I found out I was pregnant.   With you, it wasn't so easy.  We tried for nearly 18 months. 

Earlier this year, we discovered I was having some problems that required some procedures and an outpatient surgery that was done in March.  During all the diagnostic testing, we learned I have a small ovarian cyst (no biggie, really, just causing lots of discomfort) a blocked right fallopian tube and a narrowing in the left.  All of that, coupled with stress of the last fifteen months (and our life in general) and my age, were clearly culprits in our inability to easily conceive again.   As soon as everything was finally pieced together mid-May, we knew it would be difficult at best and resigned ourselves to the fact that it probably wasn't going to happen... that it just wasn't meant to be. We even shared this information with some friends and family.  And then... bam... there you were!   All three of you are proof that what we think is good timing isn't the timing that is meant to be.

So, when I called my doctor's office on the 20th of June, her staff was shocked.  In fact, I was told at my first appointment at 8 weeks that they'd actually figured the girl who scheduled my appointment made a mistake and, instead of calling me to confirm the reasons for my visit (initially it was a follow-up to my surgery... then I called to add the pregnancy visit), they would just wait until I came in and would confirm then.  My doctor walked into the exam room with her jaw dropped open and started to laugh.  She congratulated me and said, "It's really true!  I am floored!" 

You are growing perfectly, we are both healthy and all the testing done so far has yielded great numbers.  You (and the havoc you wreak on my hormones!) are causing me to crave lots of protein, lots of spice and lots of vinegary foods (picture the cliche pregnant lady eating pickles... and even sipping the juice with a spoon!).  A sandwich cannot have too many pepperoncinis (that juice tastes pretty darn good, too!) and there is no such thing as too much pepper on pretty much anything.  I am sure this won't last... the impending heartburn will have to push all these cravings to the curb... but for now, I am enjoying indulging in these cravings.  

If I had to guess whether you're a boy or a girl... I can't really.  By my cravings, I'd say boy... I am eating just like I did with Preston.  If I go by my complexion and hair (ugh!)... girl... just like Gracie. Like with both your sister and brother, my morning sickness was relatively mild compared to most people I know, yet different than each time before.  Since we know there is only one of you in there... I have no clue. 

Here is what mommy looked like at 13 weeks:

Here is what mommy looks like now, at 16 weeks:

I am so excited to get to know you more in the coming months - - as you start getting big enough to feel the rambunctiousness that I have witnessed in some of my ultrasounds.  You have already been caught doing leg lifts and somersaults galore.  Clearly, you're having fun in there... I am glad!  I am doing my best to make a comfy little place in there for you until late February.

Love,
Mommy

'S' is for... Student

Gracie started third grade last Wednesday.  Third Grade.
Not quite sure how that happened.
Perhaps time would slow down a bit if I'd just stop blinking.

Someone was a tad nervous about all the changes last week.  New nurse.  New bus drivers (different drivers and buses in the morning and afternoon).  New students on the bus in the mornings... all high school aged kids... BIG kids.  Huge changes in the classroom.  Someone was anxious and uneasy.  That someone was me... which I know added to the expression of mild bewilderment on my sweet girl's face on the first day.

When Gracie finally got to school, she seemed far more relaxed. Though the rest of us (nurse, bus driver, me) were definitely frazzled by the hectic and out-of-sort start to the morning. (I beat the bus by nearly 30 minutes.) Thankfully, with each day, Gracie has become more comfortable with her new routine, the fact that her class has grown exponentially (as have the number of adults in the classroom) and, I am sure, appreciates that her mother isn't quite as stressed as she was last week!

She has not, however, grown any more fond of me trying to get her to work on school lessons at home.  This hasn't been going all that well for some time now... she protests, throws things (yes... my sweet Gracie has a temper!) and simply covers her left eye (her only sighted eye) and ignores me until I give up.  She often sits there a long, long time as we both have very strong wills!

This was her first homework assignment for the year.  She wanted no part of it and started to cry when I put her glasses on.  Perhaps because it was Labor Day and she was refusing to labor!  However, once we ditched the glasses, she turned the papers upside down, matched the colors on the signal and signed up a storm, all the while looking at me as if I should already know these three colors and what they mean on the signal.  My girl has spunk and attitude... and I love that about her... even when it drives me nuts!

She wasn't so keen on homework tonight... same assignment, though this time, we glued down the colors.  (Check out her cute little homework envelope sweetly decorated by Robin, her instructional aide!) Gracie was far more intent on getting her glasses out of sight than she was matching and signing.  She dropped them on the floor.  When I handed them back, she simply shoved them back at me.  
I hadn't planned on taking any more pictures of her doing her homework, but often when she isn't cooperating with her "accessories," I can get out the camera and she will put on her diva-face and cooperate for the sake of the picture.  This time, not so much!

'S' is for... Sun & Surf with Sage

Just like last year, we were able to spend some time with John's older sister, Satia, and her daughter Sage when they were down in our neck of the woods on vacation.  Although I somehow missed taking any pictures the day they came to hang out at the house, I managed to click a few at the beach while Preston and Sage boogie-boarded last Sunday.  Sage had done it before... Preston had not... though it is safe to say he is now addicted! 

Two toe-heads playing in the surf

These were taken within the first ten minutes of the kids getting in the water.   Unfortunately, Sage is only in a couple because she had to go get lathered up with some sunscreen.  While she did that, Preston started moving further out into the water and I ditched my phone, knowing if I didn't, I'd end up dropping it in the ocean.  The kids spent four hours on those boards, taking minimal breaks to play in the sand and have a quick snack.  As the afternoon wore on, they each got more daring - - thus, no more pictures!  Needless to say, they had a blast and Preston has said every day for over a week how much he misses his cousin!

Pure Joy!

I love how his tongue is out... reminds me of my brother playing soccer... and I am quite certain Preston thinks it helps him steer and balance by having it stick out to the side!  LOL!!!

A Great Day

Today was a good day.  Actually, it was a great day!

• Things went smoother at home with Gracie's nurse and getting her off to school.
• For the first time in over a month, John and I got to take Preston to his swim lesson together.
• Preston ROCKED said lesson.
• The three of us had a breakfast date where our little man gave us a glimpse of how "refrigerator poor" we will be in just a few years by eating: Two scrambled eggs, two slices of bacon and three pancakes.  (He had already eaten a bowl of oatmeal before swim lessons!) Good grief.
• After breakfast, the three of us went miniature golfing.  It's the first time I've been able to go with them and Preston thoroughly enjoyed having both of his parents all to himself.  John and I really enjoyed it, too!
• Gracie (and her nurse) had a really good day at school!!!  (Woo Hoo!!!)
• The four of us played out front for the remainder of the afternoon... so fun.  Gracie rode her trike for about 30 minutes and kept her clothes on the entire afternoon!  (Shocking!)
• John made a wonderful, healthy dinner.
• While I cleaned up dinner and prepped meds & formula for the night and morning, John played with the kids and read them a few books.
• Chores and baths were done, lights were out and we were all piled on the couch for "Wipeout" at 8pm.

Such a great start to September!