Happy 8th Birthday, Gracie

Your name card that was taped to your incubator in the NICU.
I think it's fitting that we chose the one that read, "... pixie dust sprinkled here..."

My dear, sweet Gracelyn Marie ~

Today you turned eight.  Although time passes too quickly and I often wish there was a pause button to press so your birthdays won't come as fast, I am also relieved to bid farewell to your seventh year.  It was, in so many ways, the hardest year of your life - - so many medical complications that lead to setbacks in numerous other areas.  Sadly, you were much too sick today to even care when each of us wished you a happy birthday.  We spent what should have been a fun, celebratory day, doing breathing treatments every four hours (along with a couple for Preston and me, too), Vest treatments every six hours, giving you intermittent blow-by oxygen (for support, so you wouldn't have to work quite as hard), and doling out medicine, etc.   (Daddy has been spared thus far and actually left town this morning for a work event, so our official celebration was to be postponed anyway.)

In some ways, today was not unlike your first day of life - - you are really sick and fighting hard.  However, on your actual birth day, you were whisked away to the NICU at a different hospital and, due to my c-section, I didn't see you for another day and a half.   Today, I got to spend the day cuddling and holding you in between all the madness of our makeshift hospital. And, in the moments that you felt some relief, I was right there when you smiled, played with my hair, held my hand and signed, "I love you."   You never, ever cease to amaze me with your strength, resilience and happy, loving spirit. 

Your brother knows we are celebrating when daddy is home and you're feeling better, but he still insisted on giving you all of his favorite toys, including his treasured dinosaurs which he "wrapped" yesterday.  You smiled at him and even chuckled once as he slid another truck over to you, to which he delighted, "Look, mommy, Gracie feels better for her birthday!"  I wish that were entirely true, but you did seem to be showing a bit more sparkle at the end of the day... enough that I took you guys out back and set up some shaving cream at the table.  While you never cracked a smile and rested your head on the side of your chair, you did play intently for about twenty minutes.  After that, you sat on my lap and quietly watched Preston play.  And, even though he knows you can't actually eat cake, he was adamant that "the birthday girl needs a cake... it's her birthday toooooo-day, Mommy," so we baked you a vanilla and chocolate chip cake in the shape of a flower. 

While we are postponing our official celebration of your birthday, and though (for the most part) you've been "missing" since last Sunday night, it's not hard for me to celebrate all the wonderful things that make you you.   The list is long.  Here are some of my favorites, in no particular order...

- You love to cuddle, kiss and hug.  For the longest time daddy and I wondered if you would like to snuggle... you used to be so uncomfortable cuddling for too long... you'd get sweaty, gaggy and fall asleep.  Now, you can't get enough and have a definite expectation to cuddle with daddy from the time I start the dinner dishes until you go to bed.  You often ask for kisses by signing "kiss"... and you get an endless supply.   You also pucker your lips to ask for them (which I love because only the left side of your bottom lip sticks out) and I have to stop myself from kissing the cutest-lips-ever right off your face!  When you hug, you don't mess around - - a tight squeeze accompanied by a gentle back pat or rub.  It is the sweetest, most heart-warming thing.  I am grateful every single day that you are an affectionate child.

- You love your brother.  So much.  It warms my heart to see your face light up when you see him and I love when you sign his name when he isn't home, asking, "Where's Preston?"   You've been mesmerized by him since the first moment you saw him and you continue to be as gentle with him today as you were when he was a baby... even when he "wrestles" with you.  We have to assist you to "tackle" him back, but you definitely aren't shy about telling him "no" or pushing his hand away - - which I love.  For the most part, he easily makes you laugh and smile... more so than any other person in the world, with the exception of your daddy.

- You are silly... and it's genetic.  While I can be silly and playful, Daddy just is!  You and Preston get that from him and I am so glad. 

- You are quite the social butterfly.  Up until just a few years ago, going new places (unless they were outside) and meeting new people was awfully terrifying for you, so much so that you'd get worked up enough to make yourself sick for days.  Now, wherever we go, you make sure that you're a part of the action.  Whether in your chair, scooting on the floor, or travelling lap to lap (and requesting a new lap by lunging to the next person) you make your presence be known and "say hello" to everyone.  Your expressive language may be limited, but that doesn't stop you, in any way, from communicating with the people around you. Instead of conversation, you use touch and your keen instincts about people... you might be polite and interact with everyone, but you know who's genuine and prefer those individuals.  I really like that about you.  Good instincts are important.

- You are strong-willed.  This is something I adore about you... it means you're thinking and that you have an opinion... it is also something that frustrates me to no end!  Whether it's something you want or don't want, you make your needs be known and you will not give in easily.  Sometimes you'll relent... but only if I explain things in a first, second, third scenario.  That is, as long as what you want (or don't want) is in the line-up, you will (might) back down. 

- You delight in the simple things.  Watching the breeze tousle the leaves in trees and inspecting the fine details of every petal on a flower can occupy you longer than any toy.  You love dirt, water and anything hands-on like play-doh, finger paint, shaving cream, slime.  It's funny, too, because you used to dislike any tactile activities like that.  Now they're your absolute favorite.  You seem to love playing with everything that's scary to have near your trach!

- You are happy... and quite frankly, that amazes me.  Your days aren't easy... even your best include some sort of discomfort or pain and yet, you manage to dole out endless smiles and "I love you's" - - which also proves how incredibly resilient you are.  You defy odds every day and your spirit defines strength, bravery and resilience.  I'm constantly in awe of and inspired by these qualities you bear and wonder how someone so small and so young could be made up of such tough stuff.
Must have been all that pixie dust... amongst other powerful things. 

I love all these things - - and countless more - - about you, Gracie Girl.
Happy 8th Birthday... I hope this is your best year yet.

All my heart,
Mommy