Happiness is... giving yourself permission to have a less than perky day

On Monday, I woke-up grumpy. No real reason... just grumpy.
There were plenty of reasons to not be grumpy, after all, the slight fever Preston had Sunday morning was still gone, Gracie (after a rough last feeding of the evening Sunday) woke-up very happy and ready to start her day (at 3am... but happy!). We sat in her room, watching Signing Time, cuddling, giggling and catching up on some of our friends' blogs. Still, as the sun came up, I got grumpy.

I acknowledged my grumpiness to my dear husband and apologized in advance. I went through the motions of our rushed Monday morning with a little voice inside my head reminding me not to bark my answers to Preston's questions or John's, for that matter, as he was only trying to help with the Monday morning routine.
Knowing that it was my longest window of time I'd have all week, I had a list an arm's length of things I wanted to accomplish while Gracie was at school. But no matter how hard I tried, I was moving in slow motion. That just made me grumpier.

John said, "Why don't you go get your feet done?" which was entirely sweet as we have no business spending money on things like that right now. While I didn't go get a pedicure, his suggestion gave my brain the permission it needed to let go of my chore-list a bit and not put so much pressure on myself. Throughout the day, little things brought me bits of happiness and continued to help bring me out of my funk. By evening, I was fine. And, because the kids were both in bed early, John and I actually got to sit down on the couch together and watch some TV.

But today, the funk was back... like a little cloud hanging over my head as I walked around. And then, after talking with John about it, I realized that it's centered around Gracie's heart catheterization next week. It's not so much the procedure itself (although anesthesia is always nerve-rattling), but more about the fact that it's being done for to gain information for the fourth (and not last) open heart surgery that we know she's having at some point - - most likely sooner than later.

I dread the look in her eyes when she truly comprehends the fact that she's at the hospital. Most surgery and procedure days, she quite ironically has to be awoken from a peaceful sleep to get in the car. Even so, she tends to be in a really happy mood until she realizes what's happening. It's then that we get the look from her - - a look that tells us she feels we've betrayed her. It's awful and it scars my very core every single time.

I dread the waiting. I dread the pit in my stomach as I see the doctor approaching to tell us what our next steps are. I dread the process of her waking up from anesthesia. I dread the smells and the sounds of the hospital. And this time, I dread it because it's the first "big" procedure she's having done at our new hospital. We aren't with the nurses and intensivists who've known Gracie (and us) her whole life. And, as much as we've always dreaded going to the hospital, there was always a sense of comfort being surrounded by the people we've known for years.

In this "emotional preparation ritual" I go through, I also tend to analyze all she's been through. I wonder why she has to endure so much. I question so many things. I want answers as to why this diagnosis of CHARGE Syndrome and all that it entails has hit her so hard. When I'm not like "this," I lightly joke that when it comes to CHARGE, "Gracie's an overachiever." But when I am like "this," I want to know why she is so profoundly affected... or why is any child affected at all? I find myself asking questions that I know can't be answered.

I'm not trying to be melodramatic... just honest. She is not having open heart surgery next week. It's a routine outpatient procedure (though I've said it before, nothing feels "routine" when you're in the hospital with your child). Try as I might though, I can't turn all the questions and emotions off. I just have to let my mind and heart process it all so that I can move forward. I guess in some ways it's "nice" that I go through these emotions days before, so that the day of I can be a bit more rational and controlled in order to cope.

And, for the record, I wasn't grumpy all day. I was able, just like yesterday, to find little things throughout the day that made me a bit happier and lightened my load.
We ended the less than perky day by having friends over for dinner.
Taco Tuesday and good friends... definitely happy.