Happiness is... giving yourself permission to have a less than perky day

On Monday, I woke-up grumpy. No real reason... just grumpy.
There were plenty of reasons to not be grumpy, after all, the slight fever Preston had Sunday morning was still gone, Gracie (after a rough last feeding of the evening Sunday) woke-up very happy and ready to start her day (at 3am... but happy!). We sat in her room, watching Signing Time, cuddling, giggling and catching up on some of our friends' blogs. Still, as the sun came up, I got grumpy.

I acknowledged my grumpiness to my dear husband and apologized in advance. I went through the motions of our rushed Monday morning with a little voice inside my head reminding me not to bark my answers to Preston's questions or John's, for that matter, as he was only trying to help with the Monday morning routine.
Knowing that it was my longest window of time I'd have all week, I had a list an arm's length of things I wanted to accomplish while Gracie was at school. But no matter how hard I tried, I was moving in slow motion. That just made me grumpier.

John said, "Why don't you go get your feet done?" which was entirely sweet as we have no business spending money on things like that right now. While I didn't go get a pedicure, his suggestion gave my brain the permission it needed to let go of my chore-list a bit and not put so much pressure on myself. Throughout the day, little things brought me bits of happiness and continued to help bring me out of my funk. By evening, I was fine. And, because the kids were both in bed early, John and I actually got to sit down on the couch together and watch some TV.

But today, the funk was back... like a little cloud hanging over my head as I walked around. And then, after talking with John about it, I realized that it's centered around Gracie's heart catheterization next week. It's not so much the procedure itself (although anesthesia is always nerve-rattling), but more about the fact that it's being done for to gain information for the fourth (and not last) open heart surgery that we know she's having at some point - - most likely sooner than later.

I dread the look in her eyes when she truly comprehends the fact that she's at the hospital. Most surgery and procedure days, she quite ironically has to be awoken from a peaceful sleep to get in the car. Even so, she tends to be in a really happy mood until she realizes what's happening. It's then that we get the look from her - - a look that tells us she feels we've betrayed her. It's awful and it scars my very core every single time.

I dread the waiting. I dread the pit in my stomach as I see the doctor approaching to tell us what our next steps are. I dread the process of her waking up from anesthesia. I dread the smells and the sounds of the hospital. And this time, I dread it because it's the first "big" procedure she's having done at our new hospital. We aren't with the nurses and intensivists who've known Gracie (and us) her whole life. And, as much as we've always dreaded going to the hospital, there was always a sense of comfort being surrounded by the people we've known for years.

In this "emotional preparation ritual" I go through, I also tend to analyze all she's been through. I wonder why she has to endure so much. I question so many things. I want answers as to why this diagnosis of CHARGE Syndrome and all that it entails has hit her so hard. When I'm not like "this," I lightly joke that when it comes to CHARGE, "Gracie's an overachiever." But when I am like "this," I want to know why she is so profoundly affected... or why is any child affected at all? I find myself asking questions that I know can't be answered.

I'm not trying to be melodramatic... just honest. She is not having open heart surgery next week. It's a routine outpatient procedure (though I've said it before, nothing feels "routine" when you're in the hospital with your child). Try as I might though, I can't turn all the questions and emotions off. I just have to let my mind and heart process it all so that I can move forward. I guess in some ways it's "nice" that I go through these emotions days before, so that the day of I can be a bit more rational and controlled in order to cope.

And, for the record, I wasn't grumpy all day. I was able, just like yesterday, to find little things throughout the day that made me a bit happier and lightened my load.
We ended the less than perky day by having friends over for dinner.
Taco Tuesday and good friends... definitely happy.

Happiness is... dancing with yourself

It was an "off" day in our house today.
Preston had a low grade fever and was a bit clingy in the morning.
Gracie's eyes were puffy and yucky early in the day and by 1:30 or so, she felt downright rotten.

In the morning, we played with toys inside. By the time Preston felt like going outside, Gracie was not feeling well at all and required very frequent suctioning. I tried to keep him busy, but all he wanted to do was go for a bike ride, scooter ride, play at the park... you name every activity that we can't do when his sister is sick, and that's what he wanted!

He fought me all afternoon about napping... so around 4pm, I was pulling out every trick in the bag trying to keep him awake (otherwise, he wakes up around 7pm and is up until 11 or 12... ugh!).

In an effort to keep him up and chase away the afternoon's blahs, I put on some of our favorite dance music.
This made Preston very happy... and watching him made me happy, too.



Around 5:30pm, Gracie perked up and acted like nothing was wrong. This, too, made me happy. About 15 minutes later, Preston fell asleep. Oh well... can't win 'em all!

Happiness is... walking hand in hand

This is not what I thought I'd post today.

We actually had many sources of happiness today... once again in our backyard enjoying another beautiful day. We painted with paint and with water, played ball, had a picnic on a giant beach towel, colored on the back wall with chalk, blew bubbles, squeezed fresh orange juice (for about the tenth day in a row). We breathed in more than our share of fresh air and soaked up plenty of Vitamin D... and it was all very happy.

None of it, though, as happy as this:
Tonight, with my left hand in her right hand, Gracie walked about ten feet.

That is to say, my sweet girl walked holding only one of my hands. Happiness.

Whether this is a one-time phenomenon that we won't see for a while or the budding of a new gross-motor skill, one thing is certain... it happened. It's no longer a "yet."

Happiness is... laughing at your children

I will preface this post by saying that I think this is really funny. Some might find it mean that I didn't put down the camera and help Preston give in to sleep by repositioning him. If you're one such individual... sorry... I just couldn't do it! I was laughing so hard that the camera was shaking!

This was taken on December 12th and I still chuckle every time I watch it! He hadn't napped and was trying so hard to wait for John to get home from work before going to sleep. He refused pajamas, begged to watch "Wow Wow Wubbzy" and had pulled out a bunch of books and toys. Despite all that effort to stay awake, he finally gave in... and then I put down the camera!

Happiness is... "Happy"

The first time I heard this song, Happy by Natasha Bedingfield, I thought the chorus was catchy. The next time I heard it, I paid better attention to the lyrics... and it was then that I decided I really liked it.
Check it out...

Happiness is... finding a solution

Today Gracie started taking the bus again. This made her very happy.
(The "I love you" she flashed at me and the kisses she threw as they drove away made me happy!)

In October, when we increased her to a full school day, she lost the ability to take the bus, as her health aid was no longer able to ride the bus with her. Until the district could find a solution and hire someone qualified to ride with her, I resumed driving her.

Right before Christmas break, our home district informed us that an aid (who turns out is an LVN... and very nice) was hired and she'd be able to start the week school resumed. She spent a couple of hours during three different days to get to know Gracie and her care. (I also had the opportunity to meet her a couple of times during her training... you know... because I wanted veto power!) The district was able to contract with the same bus company we used previously in the mornings (and we have our nice driver again!), but hadn't been able to find a company for the three afternoons. (I need to pick her up early on Tuesdays and Fridays to go to VitalStim.) Then, during the first week of break, I received a call that they had found a solution and the afternoons had also been covered. Yay!

Let me be clear on this... she's my daughter... I don't object to taking her to school! (And, with John's schedule, he's off three or four days during the week, so Preston didn't always have to tag along.) But, it sure was nice to gain nearly two more hours in my day as a result of not driving back and forth twice! I had more time to get things done. Our house is cleaner (yay!) and I had more time to play with Preston. He "helped" me clean, we read, played hide & seek and trains and then went outside to ride his bike and new scooter. More time for many things... Happiness.

As we played today, Preston called me over to the recliner yelling, "Look what I found, Mama!" You may recall this post nearly a year ago...

Hidden deep in the fold of the fabric that forms when the chair is reclined, were not one, but two of his (previously) prized possessions... BBs!!! Thankfully, other than being excited that he'd found them, he wasn't interested. I snagged them up, told him thank you and that he didn't need them because they're for babies and he only responded with, "I like babies." Phew! Thank goodness he didn't find them in the midst of trying to break the habit!

A solution to the long, lost BB mystery! It made me laugh and that made me happy!

Happiness is... a quiet house

Today, for the first time since December 18th, both kids were at school.
Happiness.

Today, for the first time since December 18th, the house was quiet for a few hours. Happiness.

This evening, the kids are home and once again, the house is noisy, chaotic and a mess. Happiness.

Oh... I mustn't forget...
Happiness is... the return of regular programming on TV.

Happiness is... pink

As the sun rose this morning, the most beautiful shade of pink filtered through the uncovered windows in the kitchen. As it got brighter, it looked as though the floor and walls were painted pink. I grabbed my camera, ran into the backyard and took this one shot. It doesn't do this morning's sky justice. But for a brief moment, I saw the world dripped in bubblegum pink.



Happiness is... being back at school after Christmas vacation and wearing new pink pants, new pink shoes and a new pink & brown shirt.
Gracie had a good day and was so happy to be back into her regular routine!

Happiness is... your parents taking you to Disneyland on a Monday morning and sitting in a giant, pink teacup.


Happiness is... your first taste of pink cotton candy.

Happiness is... a lazy, sunny Sunday

It was beautiful outside today. And yesterday. We've lived here a year and I still am not accustomed to the fact that I can open all the windows and air out the house in January (you know... without freezing!). Happiness.


We had a lazy, fun day. I left the dishes in the sink and forgot about the laundry for most of the day. The kids took a long, splash-filled bath in the morning, we played with trains, read books and then headed outside for bubbles, basketball, oranges, baseball (Gracie loves hitting off the T, now, too!) swinging and an hour of play-doh on the patio. We were in the backyard nearly four hours and both kids had a blast. Happiness.





Happiness is playing so much that once you eat an early dinner, you beg for a movie, cuddle up with your pillow and multiple blankets and fall asleep for an hour with your favorite truck in hand.


Schulz:

Joy in January - - Happiness Is...

First and foremost, this is not an original idea... I have stolen er... copied er... borrowed it from my friend, Hannah, who did "Joy in January" on her blog last year and is doing it again this year. As January can be a bit hum-drum compared to the happy music, beautiful lights, delicious baked items :-) and general good cheer of December, the idea was conceived to help lighten (and get through) the hum-drum. The concept is simple... celebrate the joys that are found in each day. And, let's face it... Who can't use some extra joy during this month? Or anytime, for that matter?!

I am going to put a slight twist on it, inspired by a little book penned and sketched by Charles M. Schulz, Happiness Is A Sad Song. This is a book that my brother, Brian, had as a kid. He's five and a half years older, so when he outgrew it, it made it's way to my collection, and like many of my childhood books, I still have it (thanks to our mom!). Since he now has a son, I will pass it along to him along with some others that are on our shelves.

Anyway, just like "Joy in January," the idea of the book is simple - - find and celebrate the little things that make us happy. Granted, the title (and statement), Happiness Is A Sad Song, was lost on me until I was much older, but the rest of the book was easy to appreciate, even at an early age.

Each day (I hope...), I will share what defined our happiness for that day and perhaps something from the book as well.

Schulz:



Swann:

Happiness is breakfast for breakfast and breakfast for dinner!
This morning, for breakfast, we had fluffy Belgian waffles made on our fabulous new waffle iron. For dinner, I made a breakfast casserole. Yummmmmmy!


Happiness is an ice cream cone.

Happiness is getting to "eat" the remnants of your brother's yogurt (and have a few licks of ice cream!).

Hmmm... we had many other sources of happiness today... what does it say that I picked all "food" sources?
Perhaps I should have used this from Schulz' book instead, "Happiness is a side dish of French-fries!!"